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Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Thin is in...

This post is purely in response to one by a Bloggerville neighbour, one called Nikita. (It is strongly suggested that you read her post before reading this one, to get the context right.) The views and opinions expressed are of the writer alone, though he will not be responsible for any kind of trauma caused.

Dear Nikita

I found your post extremely offensive and demeaning to people like me, who (try to) live on the other end of the spectrum. To convey my anger, I am replying point-by-point to you.

1. It isn’t fun when you go shopping and come back empty handed because eleven out of the ten outfits you thought of trying looked like you were wearing traditional tribal dresses worn in Andaman. It is worse when you shopping companion meaningfully glances at the tent house next door, hoping you take the hint. And even worse, when you actually take the hint, but don't like the colour of any 'outfit'.

2. Ditto!

3. When people ask how much you weigh, they expect the answer to be in ‘quintals', and not ‘kilos’. It makes you wish the metabolic process existed (and worked).

4. It is assumed that you are the reason why people (like Nikita) survive on air.

5. Everything, from falling sick to failing an exam is attributed to your weight. Period. There is no other problem that plagues your life besides the excess of a few kilos.

6. When travelling in an overcrowded auto with friends, you are always the one to seat someone on your lap. Once you learn to give someone your seat, people standing just ahead of you stare at you fearfully, as if you'll crush them like a juggernaut if the driver brakes.

7. No comments on this one... YOU WIN!

8. No comments on this one either... DRAW!

9. The word 'starvation' (of others) is considered synonymous with your name.

10. If someone ignores you, they think it’s a perfectly valid excuse to say they just didn’t see you, and must be suffering from weakening eyesight. Innovative. Ha!

11. It is as embarrassing to weigh yourself in front of someone as it would’ve been if you were underweight. Probably more...

12. People in the Metro quite sincerely believe that three of them would've fit in the space that you are occupying, and continue to give you baleful glares till you give up your seat or get off. The former is worse, because they then discover that three of them plus a Nikita-esque person can fit into the space vacated. :|

To add to that, my frame, if you can call it that has spurred on the jokers in the pack of 'friends' that I have.
Sample conversation:
Me: That didn't appeal to my funny side.
'Friend' - You have a spherical shape - and a sphere has no sides... haha....

In this case also, the 'Friend' survived because the 'conversation' happened over chat and not in person.

Still, Ms. Nikita, I appreciate you airing of you concerns, and believe they cannot be taken lightly. (no pun intended)

Hoping for a prompt response.



Nikita said...

Dear Sauron

In all fairness I must admit that I'm laughing harder right now than I have in a while.

I must bring to your notice, however, that I still win. I won point seven fair and square while the rest are subject to subjectivity. Also, I put forth 13 points while you have only 12.

Despite my obvious victory, however, you must know that your post has indeed caused me severe trauma due the feeling of my pain being overlooked and overshadowed yet again. I have a good mind to sue you for extreme mental agony, but I'm not sure that keeping in mind the prevailing attitude of the human race, my argument will hold any weight against yours. Of course, no pun intended.


NikhiL said...

@sauron.. sue her back!

Ishu said...

ROFL.. I must say, I'm completely with you on this Sauron (sorry about that Nikita!) ;)

Nana said...

LOL. Very fun & interactive post! Let me know if you want to induce in another debate ;) Thx you for visiting me.

Tangerine said...

this is hilarious! lol!

Sauron said...

Dear Nikita,

I'm still consulting my lawyers on this, and I assure you that your conscience will be weighed down with guilt, if you do decide to sue me.

Best wishes

P.S. Recommended reading: The Eternal Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera

@Nikhil... I probably will!

@Ishu... thanks! I can do with all the support that I can get!

@Nana... sure, debates welcomed. :D

@Tang... I have a nagging suspicion that you belong to the Nikita-esque clan of people. :|

Choco said...

Hahahaahaaaa.. Awesome!!! :D

Corinne Rodrigues said...

Hi - My vote is with you - I've never known thin all my poor Nikita has one less sympathizer!

Sauron said...

@Choco... :D

@Corinne... I think Nikita is turning 'light-headed'.. :P

Abk said...

ohh well sauron..

m sure u wud want to respond to these too..

when u're thin..

14. Your friends suggest you to keep a lot of change in ur pocket (read 5-5 rupee coins) so that u dont levitate.

15. People tell you that u exist in 2 dimensions and your side view is a line. That too in the nightmare class of all engineers, the engineering drawing!!

16. Your friends suggest you to sharpen your hands a bit, so they are as sharp as a sword and you can use them in self defence.

17. Someone wud just tell u that they think they saw you on the UNICEF posters bearing photographs of malnourished children from african continent.

18. When you ask your friends for their bikes, they promptly refuse for the fear that you may be gone with the wind.

19. When people park their cars in tightest of spots and expect you to be able to walk out comfortably when the door opens only a couple of inches.

20. When in a fit of range, u threat people of physical violence, they'd rather ridicule you and laugh it off.

21. People come to you and ask you, "Are u dieting?" and then they expect you to take it "lightly".

22. When all the aunts and uncles, would look at u as if they are looking at a half dead worm with sympathy and tell you, "Kitna patlaa ho gaya hai, kuchh khaaya kar!!"

23. People would come and tell you that even if they'd throw you off the 7th or the 8th floor of a building, you wud glide your way down to safety.

and yes, I do belong to Nikita-esque clan, and i surely despise that.. expecting an early and responsible response/action. Else, be rest assured u're facing not one, two lawsuits.

Nikita said...

light headed eh? it's official. i'll see you in court now. not only for the trauma, but also for turning my witness hostile (i can't believe nik is on ur side!! did u threaten him with ragging, mister??)

PS: i still grin pretty wide everytime i open this page!! :P

Sauron said...

@Abk... good points. I am working on the actionables and will respond soon. I'm not taking your words "lightly".

@Nikita... threat ki kya zaroorat...bribes work ;)

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...


This post is hilarious! I liked both.